“That’s the moment when I began to have compassion for boys again. There was no joy anymore when I saw guys in my crew crashing and burning over their love for a girl who was just urinating all over them. And I went, ‘Oh, I’ve just been on the other side of this.’” – Tori Amos
I’ve never lost compassion, at least I can say that. I’m always empathizing, even in the darkest and most inappropriate moments, even when I shouldn’t have. I think it’s become a fault of mine, honestly. I see so many people moving through life without empathizing, selfishly pushing and pulling others at their whims, not listening but waiting on their turn to talk, all that…and they’re happier than me. More successful, dealing with things, gaining more friends, getting laid, whatever. It’s pretty sick, but every time I wonder if I had it right all along, before I decided to focus on someone else, and just toss the past ten years to the wind and be as selfish as I’d trained myself to be back then. I was good at it. It worked well for me, and it wasn’t even in fashion, I’m sure I could be a king at that shit with how weak the competition is; it’s plentiful, but they’re individually weak because they feel unfulfilled. I never had that fault when I was selfish, I was fine with it.
But I traded some things out, and I think maybe I’ve done all I can down this path and it’s just not for me. Don’t suckle the pig that bites you breast. Childish, selfish, empty, soulless. Why not.
Crashing and burning over my love for a girl who was just pissing all over me. It’s gotten me nowhere but lower than I’ve been in a very long time, maybe ever. So why not forget that route if those are the results I get for it. Why not.
I’m beginning to be able to see it all somehow. I can separate myself from it finally, and that space, however fleeting it may be or how small, is allowing me to stand back and look on from afar.
It’s pretty sickening, all of this.