part of what worries me now is that if i stop loving her i’ll never be able to start again. with her specifically, or with anyone at all. i can’t imagine anyone else anyway, but that’s not what worries me. what i fear now is that if the love, if being in love, stops for me, then when they are done with each other, i won’t care anymore.
this love is all i’ve really cared about for years. despite depression and fear, i’ve devoted so much of myself to her for years now. years. i didn’t make it clear enough, i didn’t do it well, but i did the best i knew. and given how much she fought against me and my help and my pushing for us and for her, i tried with all i could. she didn’t see it, didn’t feel it, didn’t appreciate or respect me for it obviously, but it was all i had in me. i just wanted to make her happy.
and today i still love her with all i am. tomorrow i will as well. but the day after that? i don’t know who that will be in my skin, in my bones, if he will be the same person i am today. i can’t guarantee that he will be me. i will always love her. but i might have to let myself go soon. one way or another.
i daydream of letting go and drifting into the water, the moon emptying itself into the water that surrounds me, holds me afloat until my lungs empty and i drown and am carried by the undercurrents to be ripped apart downriver. i daydream that my flesh is cold and there’s nothing else to worry about, that i don’t have to love her uselessly anymore, that i don’t have to wake again without her in the bed beside me. i dream of all these things and more, but more than any of that i dream about touching her hands and her hair, her eyes piercing my heart and opening it, every day, forever. her lips, her skin, her warmth. forever.
i guess in a lot of ways i let myself go a long time ago, when i fell in love with her. i just don’t know anything anymore, though. i really don’t. what i do know is that i will always love her, and i never want that to stop, and that i never want to stop dreaming.