each a reaper

Last night I dreamt of a hawk trying to drive away buzzards from a carcass that was rightfully his. I only remember a few quick glimpses of this, but the huge buzzards, each a reaper, stayed and feasted upon the freshly killed flesh. 

It’s been in my head all day, these quickly moving images again and again repeated. I think the carcass was me.

bring them to me in floods


I dreamt of a simple moment, when a touch becomes a kiss, becomes a deep kiss, becomes lust, our bodies against a wall, our hands grasping for dear life. Isn’t that what life is, isn’t it just lust and love and whatever brings them to us? You bring them to me in floods, even when I sleep, and isn’t that all life is?  What more could I want than this, than you?

the beasts of the river

He stared into the rainfall on the river’s riled skin, this bottomless night interrupted by storm light; sun bright for a moment, an eternity. The air shakes first, then the earth, then his heart, each sound a tearing, a breeding violence. The entirety of earth in every direction, let it all be a storm like this, let it bring the rain down on her, on them all, let the surging storm face devour the sun and the moon and the stars and blind god from seeing his creation. His folly seethes beneath, the snakes dance upon the banks, they soon dine. The man watches the beasts of the river forming as if each particle fell in its own raindrop, it swims up and down as it grows, as it displaces the water higher and higher, the floodplain filling and spilling. 

We’re all hidden here, alone here, without her eyes upon us. We are all lost and abandoned and somehow the storm grows on this, the earth drowns; in this sorrow, in this storm, in this flood. 

the mountains of the wolves, pt. 1 

she comes to me in waves, sings to me of the pain. she walks the mountains of the wolves, they watch her from afar; the trail of light she weaves mirrors the tracks of the stars. from god comes the moon, from the moon the rain, the rain snakes rivers and i drink, i drown, i am the water and i am the mirrored stars dancing on waves. she is with me, she is in me, she is there and here and is all.

Killing Queens

I sit down after pouring some Maker’s and put on the new Lorn. I just bought it a few days ago and haven’t properly listened to it. It’s pretty dark and brooding, even for Lorn. But as I’m halfway through it and not getting into it quite as expected, I start the alternating slow and quick scrolling through the digital library to see if anything catches my eye.

There: The Life and Times appears in my browsing, and it hits me that yup, that’s it. But which album? No One Loves You Like I Do seems maybe a little too on the nose for tonight. I remember that there’s a new EP they put out a few months ago that was all cover songs, some of which I heard and wasn’t all bad but definitely not the right mood. So here I wonder what else they’re up to; well, it turns out they released a new album. Today. I’d not heard a thing about it.

It’s called simply The Life and Times. I thought at first it was called The Map To My Heart based on my hurried scan of the blog post here, along with the lovely cover art that helped implant that suggestion into my head. And though I’ve not finished listening to it as I type this, I’m not feeling it for the most part. Some good moments here though, I’ll give it that. Maybe it’ll grow on me. That first song, however, hit me right away, and deserves a paragraph all it’s own.

“Killing Queens” it’s named, and of course I assume it’s a bit of a call-back to their last album Lost Bees. But then the vocals come in, and I start noticing some lyrics…I’ll just quote them below.

if you run away from me i’ll love you from afar if you run away from me and now the only one i care about is you and now the only thing i drink about is you if you need to be alone i’ll be waiting if you need to be alone when you look up at the stars i’m shining down on you when you look up at the stars and now the only one i care about is you and now the only thing i drink about is you and now the only one i’d care enough to drink about is you if you take your life from me i’ll never let you go if you take your life from me when you look down from the stars take me with you when you look down from the stars and now the only one i care about is you and now the only thing i drink about is you and now the only one i’d care enough to drink about is you

So I’ve been doing plenty of wallowing, but this little slice of serendipity that fed so magically into my state of mind is out of the ordinary. The universe is obviously conspiring to tell me something. The universe doesn’t often conspire to tell you to be keep being sad and pathetic, I think. That’s not what I’ve seen much of in books and movies, quite the opposite. This last paragraph is of course typed with a wealth of sarcasm, just in case you can’t tell.

epilogue: I put on No One Loves You Like I Do afterwards anyway, because, well, fuck me.

Leave me to the wolves. Drown me in the rapids. Burn me alive, in these endless fields, under this boundless sky. I’ll never say no. I’ll never leave.

I’ll beg you for death, but a death by your hand. I’ve never wanted to be anywhere but there, my hands in your hands. Can’t you see? Can you hear me?

There is no romance, no hope in this. It’s defeat by which I breathe. I’ll never fight it off. I’ll never leave.

no ghost

you were no dream, no ghost,
no imagined goddess, drifting with the winds.
you were real, tangible, bright, distinct.
imperfect.
true and honest and governed by bounds of space,
distant then close. you slept beside me for years,
tossing and turning, dreaming.
no one else can say that, you know. no one on this earth.
my bed was your bed, for years, for all time, it was ours.
for a moment, it was ours.
a warm, soft reality
reminding me to stay here.

to touch the earth,
to carve out a home in this dirt.
to have a life worth living,
to a day worth awakening,
no one else can say that.
no one but you.

on edge and restless

I just wasted 2+ hours of my life online, snooping and searching for her and for others and it’s all for naught. The only thing I gained was a few tiny tidbits, one of which was far more painful than you would guess given how ridiculous it is. So ridiculous in fact I wouldn’t dare actually share it here. And that’s saying something because given the recent content, I obviously have no shame about sharing the trivial here. 

Over 2 hours down the drain, and I’ve got nothing to show for it besides some names and numbers that I’ll never use. 

I’m just looking for answers. For resolution. For a path back, or even a path forward.

The front passing through here is shaking the trees and the walls. The animals are on edge, restless; and I’m right there with them tonight.

melodies I sleep in


I slept four hours. I know I dreamed, but I can’t remember what the content was. I was restless all day, pissed after wasting time and gas and spending near an hour on the couch in tears and heaving sobs. 

I slept to Naka Naka’s Mundo Harsh, which was cut from the same cloth as Aphex Twin’s SAW II and so was followed by it. These are both dark, unsettling albums, and seemed fitting after the day I’d had. I want to drown in that feeling as much as I can, it’s as close to externalizing what’s in my head as anything is.  And then Sraunus’ Vibrant Dead Rock lead to some William Basinski or another, Nocturnes I think it was. I woke up to this but can’t remember anything I heard except for penetrating bass tones. I’ve been holed up for almost two months now and can’t remember anything I’ve done. The days and weeks are as blurred as the melodies I sleep in and the morning’s fog on the river.

There’s no distinctions between things, between time. It’s all somehow getting worse.

the time sets

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We’re always driving ahead, straight and sure. We slow and we curve, but if we take separate routes we’ll never again meet. The vastness of earth, of space, of time, is far too much to allow it. And we have so much of all those things to explore, be it together or alone. But none of those things are infinite, time the least so of them all.

These roads are empty. The skies are full of color and light; though as it fades, the forest suddenly a deepening abyss of black, each tree grows until they devour all.

Time is not forgiving, and just like the sun, it sets quicker than you’d ever expect.